TaintedBeauty

Somehow

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 15:47:25 GMT

Somehow, even if i'm unhappy
You seem to secretly make it better.
I don't know how,
I don't know why.
Somehow, even if i'm mad
You seem to secretly calm me down.
I know how, but
I don't know why.
Somehow, even if i'm hurt and
You don't try anything.. You seem to secretly erase it all.
I don't know how, but
I do know why.
I know we love each other longer than words can begin to last.
Forever isn't just a year or five..our forever is much more.
You promised a change, you promised things would be different.
I don't know how,
I don't know why; but
Somehow things are still the same.

Written by: Deborah S. (me)
Written to: Daniel

Now, always, and forever

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 15:46:36 GMT

I won't complain,
I won't be ungrateful.
I will analyze,
I will be thankful.
Our relationship can't compare to my past.
It's a whole different cast.
I love you now,
I loved you always, and now
I will love you forever.
It's not all about me, it's not all about you, but
It is all about us.
The effort to make things last should come from both.
We have been through a lot, but we have been through it all together.

Written by: Deborah S. (me)
Written to: Daniel

figured i'd update

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 15:44:16 GMT

Figured since it's been over a month since i have posted anything, i would post today while i'm sitting around lol
Things were a little hectic between me and daniel because of some of his little friends, but i guess i could say things are lookin' up now :o)
I don't think he reads my journal anymore, hell i don't even think he reads what i post on myspace haha oh well
I try to show him my love in different ways. He doesn't, he's boring. lol :op
I graduated on May 27 *grins* and i finish my last year of MA training at Ben Franklin in the fall :o) I am so excited. I am getting a job next week and hopefully i will be able to spend a little money here and there for fun :op
I will take a picture of my class ring and post it later...it is soo pretty, i love it. Mom and Earl got it for me, hard to tell how much they paid for it lol

Well here are a couple poems that i wrote

I love you Daniel
*your baby girl*

Love y'all
~Deb

-sigh-

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 22:16:03 GMT

Daniel blew up on me saturday because i had a question...which he did not give me an explanation for until after he broke up with me and left on his dirtbike...i made the break up final...and things are done. I've shed my tears and i drowned myself in them...but my friends and family have pulled me out and brought me back to life. I don't have to feel like a bad person because i ended things...but that's the way i felt, but now i truly see everything...and i didnt see it comin.
Catch y'all later
~Deb

Hmm..

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 22:00:27 GMT

i have no excuse for not updating in so long lol.
So, here ya go...
It is a few days into the new year and getting even closer to graduation. Daniel and I are doing great and are looking around for a place to move into. I am excited about everything. Plus, I should be getting a job sometime this month. Daniel seems to be happy, I hope he is. I've been trying to calm down, sex-wise. Just settle for when he wants it LoL. When I spend a few nights with him now, it's like trying to stop a kid from playing to get me away from him. I'm spoiled, I know. hehe. So is he and I am so happy.
I am trying to change alot about my reactions to certain things, like: I am calming down sex-wise, calming down when he is late to call, and calming down about the way some girls talk to him. I tried to tell him last night that I am calming down about the way some girls talk to him b/c I don't need to be insecure...he's mine, we're engaged, and there's no way anyone is gonna demolish it b/c he and i won't let them. *grins* LoL
Anyways, my grades is school are still A's and B's. I am really excited about graduating. Everything is going great.
Well I'm done for now.
Catch ya later
I love you Daniel.
~Deb

hmm...update...

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 03:34:07 GMT

I figured since it has been awhile that I haven't updated that I would. Tomorrow will be one hell of a day...hopes won't be too high. These past few months have been great. Daniel and I are goin' strong...feels like nothing could weigh us down. I think now he believes me when I say that I will always be there for him. hehe. I'm really happy. My grades in school are really good...B honor roll watch out! lol :op I really love the class i'm taking at Ben Franklin. I have a couple of poems that I have written Daniel that I need to post...but I can't do that when I gave him the only copies ( original copies ). lol so it will be a few days before I get them up on here.
Well off to bed I go...

Luv y'all
I love you Daniel
~Deb

"Too Much" ( Poem )

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 07:30:05 GMT

Anger..depression..confusion..
Has made it too hard to breathe.
Too much is known to see the exact way to go.
Rocking back and forth,
Trying to overcome the pain.
The pain of knowing my own family does not believe of what I speak..of what I know.
I may not know everything, but I do know what I am talking about.
My family brought me up to have good judgement,
Now they seem not to believe that of which they created, that of which they should trust due to their own judgement..that of which is ME.
Anger..depression..confusion..
Has made it difficult to explain.
Too much is known to not be truth.
Rising to my knees,
Trying to carry all of this weight.
The weight of disappointment and disgrace coming from those that are my life -my family.
My friends showed me that it is not only wrong but it is too much to handle when trying to change what you know because of what someone else believes.
Hurting..loving..understanding..
Has made it too hard to breathe.
Too much is known to not see the exact way to go.
Rocking back and forth,
Trying to overcome the pain of relief.
The relief that now that of which is the bluntful truth is known.
Forgive me, for I am only that of what I am..that of which you know.
Hurting..loving..understanding..
Has made it easy for my heart to love you.
Too much is felt that we know of the way to go.
We know they might be hurting, yet they are still loving me, understanding -for them- will never come to be.
No matter the truth, no matter the love.
Now I am back where I started.
Anger..depression..confusion..
Has made it too hard to breathe.
Too much is missing without you here with me.
Rising to my knees,
Trying to just stop hurting and
Have you here for us to be in each other's arms.
Hurting..loving..understanding..
Has made me wish it to all be a dream.
Too much is known that drowns that hope.
Rocking back and forth,
Trying to wash it all away
To have us caressing one another's skin.
Hold me while reality tears at my eyes.

Should it feel wrong to be the person that I am?
Should it feel wrong to believe what I do?
Because it hurts to know the truth..

Written by: Deborah S.

I believe what I believe, I cannot change that and I am truly sorry...

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 12:35:44 GMT

I believe what I believe...should i question it? I hate feeling that it isn't right...because I can't change it. I get so lost when I think about it. The fact that my family believes something so different is literally ripping me into pieces. I never thought it would be so hard to stand up for what I want and what I believe. I want to feel good about myself, because right now I feel like im nothing and im hurting so bad. I am crying as I write this. Is standing for what I believe the right thing? I love Daniel so fucking much, and im still all too much in love with him....i cannot change that, i hate to say that i've tried...although i'm glad i couldn't change it. being me jus feels so wrong. i want to feel his arms around me. god, i can barely breathe.

To my family ( and a few selected friends ), I am sorry but I have tried to change the way I think to be like you and I can't. I don't really know what to say. It hurts too much. I feel like I am a disappointment, because you feel its wrong that I believe what I believe. I don't think sorry is the word...but I am not sure how else to express myself to you. I truly understand where you all are coming from, but I can't change myself to better satisfy someone else....I can only be me. Please tell me that you can understand that. I dont want to hurt you, but I dont want to keep hurting myself by trying to change my beliefs either. I'm not sure if this makes any sense, if it doesn't...then I dont know what else to say. I love you all and you all have been a great part of my life, and I will always want you to be a part of it...just PLEASE understand...

*deep breath*
I love you Mom, Nicki, Kacey, Earl, Dad...and everyone.
I love you Daniel.
~Deb

"Everyone" ( Poem )

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 12:15:55 GMT

I am running out of words today.
I am walking with you, again.
You made me smile and that made you cry.
You can't understand why I still want to be by your side.
"I will forever be by your side."
Daniel, you may anger me at times, but that doesn't mean I will stop caring.
I can't complain, it didn't take you that long to realize...and i'm glad you did. Wish it could have been sooner.
I love you and will never stop loving you.
It is hard to explain to you the reasons why I have never left your side and will never want to.
Everyone thinks that I am crazy...that I am throwing my life away because I want you.
Eveyone thinks that I am too good of a person to wait on someone, too "beautiful...what a crock..
Everyone believes something completely opposite. It hurts.
With you I feel right, I stay in high spirits.
All I want is to feel good about myself again...and it involves having you.
It seems as though wanting you is what everyone thinks is wrong.
Well I want you, I love you and always will. My decisions, my life, my body, my love.